What the Bible Says About Forgiveness and Letting Go

A grudge is a heavy thing to carry. It’s a cold stone in your gut, souring every meal and shadowing every sunny day. It’s a burden that follows you everywhere. In the quiet moments, it whispers accusations. It replays old wounds like a movie you can’t shut off. If you’re reading this, you probably know that feeling. You’ve been wronged, maybe deeply, and the way forward is foggy. You want peace. You want freedom. But the hurt won’t let go.

This struggle is as old as humanity. But for those of us following Christ, it’s more complicated. We know we’re supposed to forgive. The command is clear. But how do we actually do it? That’s where we have to dig deep into what the Bible says about forgiveness and letting go, getting past easy answers to find real, life-changing truth.

I’ve been down this road. I’ve wrestled with the bitterness that comes from being betrayed. It’s a messy, difficult, human journey. But it’s not a journey God asks us to walk alone. He gives us a map, a guide, and the strength for each step. This article is about exploring that map together, without judgment, to find the freedom He promises.

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Key Takeaways

• Biblical forgiveness isn’t a suggestion based on feelings; it’s a direct command for believers, reflecting the grace God showed us through Christ.
• Letting go is what comes after the decision to forgive. It means giving up your right to revenge and trusting God with the situation and the person involved.
• Forgiveness is, in the end, an act that frees you. It might lead to reconciliation, but its main job is to release you from the prison of bitterness.
• The Bible doesn’t downplay the pain of being wronged. It gives us God’s perspective and the strength to forgive when it feels humanly impossible.
• True forgiveness doesn’t mean you have to forget what happened or immediately trust the person again. It means you cancel the debt and refuse to let the past control your present.

Why Is It So Tough to Forgive, Even as a Christian?

We know the verses. We’ve heard the sermons a hundred times. “Forgive as the Lord forgave you” (Colossians 3:13). Simple enough on Sunday morning. Not so simple on a Tuesday afternoon when the memory of what they did hits you like a ton of bricks. Forgiveness is profoundly unnatural. Everything in us screams for justice, for fairness, for the scales to be balanced. When someone hurts us, our gut instinct is to hold on to that debt, to make sure they feel the pain they caused.

I learned this the hard way about a decade ago. I’d poured my life savings into a business with a man I thought of as a brother. We built it from scratch. Then, he stabbed me in the back. Quietly, over several months, he funneled money and clients into a separate company he’d created. By the time I found out, my business was a hollow shell and my trust was completely gone.

The nights were brutal. I’d just lie there, my heart hammering with anger and fear. I went over every conversation, every handshake, looking for the clues I missed. The need for revenge was a fire in my bones. I wanted to ruin him. I wanted him to feel the same humiliation I was feeling. Forgiving him felt like surrender. It felt like saying, “It’s okay.” But it wasn’t okay. My pain was real, my anger was justified, and the Bible never asks us to pretend it isn’t. Struggling to forgive isn’t a sign of weak faith. It’s the sign of our humanity clashing with a divine command.

I’ve Been Hurt. What’s the First Thing the Bible Says to Do?

When you’re reeling from a wound, it’s tough to know what to do. Your emotions are a storm. The Bible, in its wisdom, doesn’t just point to the destination of forgiveness; it gives us a starting line. It steers our first reactions away from pure emotion and toward something redemptive.

Should I Go Talk to the Person Who Hurt Me?

One of the most direct, and frankly, intimidating instructions is in Matthew 18:15: “If your brother sins against you, go and tell him his fault, between you and him alone. If he listens to you, you have gained your brother.” Look at the goal Jesus sets. It’s not to win the argument or unload your anger. The goal is to “gain your brother.” It’s about restoring what’s broken.

This takes guts. It means you don’t gossip. You don’t bad-mouth them to others, which is so often the first temptation. You go straight to the source. This is huge because it respects their humanity. It gives them a chance to see what they did, to repent, and to try and make it right. Of course, you have to use wisdom. This applies to situations where it’s safe. In cases of abuse, your safety is the number one priority, and that kind of confrontation needs to involve pastors, counselors, or even the police.

How Does Prayer Fit Into This?

Maybe the most radical first step comes from the Sermon on the Mount. Jesus says, “But I say to you, Love your enemies and pray for those who persecute you” (Matthew 5:44). This is a tough one. Praying for someone who just ripped your heart out feels like the last thing on earth you want to do. It feels fake.

After my business partner betrayed me, the idea of praying for him made me sick to my stomach. But I did it anyway, out of sheer obedience, not because I felt like it. My first prayers were raw and angry. “God, you saw him! How could you let this happen?” They were not pretty prayers.

But slowly, something started to change. Not in him. In me. Praying about it forced me to drag my pain and his sin into God’s presence. I began the process of shifting the burden of justice off my shoulders and onto His. I started to pray that God would have mercy on him, that his heart would change. It didn’t magically fix my pain, but it did stop the poison of bitterness from taking me over completely. Prayer opens a door for God’s grace to get into our hardened hearts and start doing its work.

What Does “Forgive” Actually Mean in the Bible?

We use the word “forgive” all the time, but we often load it with our own ideas. To get the biblical meaning, we have to look at the original language. The main Greek word for forgiveness, aphiemi, literally means “to release” or “to cancel a debt.” Think of it like a transaction. Forgiveness is a choice. It’s a conscious decision to cancel the debt someone owes you for the wrong they did.

Does Forgiving Mean I Have to Forget?

This is one of the biggest and most harmful myths out there. “Forgive and forget.” It sounds nice, but that phrase is nowhere in the Bible. Trying to force yourself to forget a deep wound isn’t just a bad idea psychologically; it’s not what God asks. When the Bible says God “will remember their sins no more” (Jeremiah 31:34), it doesn’t mean God gets amnesia. It’s a promise. It means He chooses not to hold our sins against us anymore. He cancels the debt.

For us, memories can be useful. Remembering my business partner’s betrayal taught me some hard but necessary lessons about trust and legal protection. Forgetting would be foolish. The point isn’t to wipe the memory, but to take away its power to hurt you. It’s the difference between a scar and an open wound. You can touch a scar without flinching. An open wound throbs at the slightest touch. Forgiveness is the healing that turns that wound into a scar.

Are Forgiveness and Reconciliation the Same Thing?

No. And this is a vital distinction to make. They are connected, but they are two different things.

• Forgiveness is up to you. It’s an internal decision you make as an act of obedience to God. It doesn’t depend on how the other person responds. You can forgive someone who isn’t sorry. You can forgive someone who’s no longer in your life. It only takes one person to forgive: you.
• Reconciliation is about restoring a relationship. That’s a two-way street. It takes both people. It requires rebuilding trust, which can only happen if the person who did the wrong thing admits it, is truly sorry, and changes their behavior over time.

You absolutely should forgive someone who abused you, but that doesn’t obligate you to put yourself back into a dangerous relationship. You can forgive a friend who gossiped about you without immediately trusting them with your secrets again. Forgiveness is a command for Christians. Reconciliation is conditional on repentance and trust.

The Pain Is Too Big. How Can I Possibly Forgive?

Knowing you should forgive is one thing. Doing it when you’re drowning in pain is another. The Bible gets this. It gives us a powerful story to help shift our perspective when our own hurt is all we can see: The Parable of the Unforgiving Servant in Matthew 18.

A servant owes his king a ridiculous amount of money—ten thousand talents. It’s an impossible debt. He begs for mercy, and the king, feeling pity, cancels the entire debt. Wipes it clean. The servant is free. A few minutes later, this same servant finds a guy who owes him a small amount—a hundred denarii, maybe a few months’ pay. He grabs him by the throat and demands his money.

The man begs for a little more time, but the forgiven servant has him thrown in jail. When the king finds out, he is enraged. He calls the servant wicked and hands him over to be tortured until he can pay back the original, impossible debt. Jesus ends the story with a gut punch: “So also my heavenly Father will do to every one of you, if you do not forgive your brother from your heart.”

The point isn’t that our pain doesn’t matter. The debt the second servant owed was real. The hurt people cause us is real. The point is about perspective. Before a holy God, our own sin has racked up an infinite debt we could never repay. But through Jesus, God cancelled it all. He forgave an infinite debt. How can we then turn around and refuse to forgive the much, much smaller debts others owe us? When the pain feels too big, the only real cure is to meditate on the cross. Remembering how much we’ve been forgiven gives us the power to forgive others.

When the feelings are just too much, try these steps:

• Admit the Hurt. Don’t pretend you’re fine. Be brutally honest with God. Pour it all out, like David in the Psalms.
• Remember Your Debt. Think about that parable. Spend real time considering what Jesus did for you.
• Make a Choice. Forgiveness is a decision of your will, not your emotions. Say it out loud to God: “Because you forgave me, I choose to forgive [Name] for [what they did].”
• Repeat as Needed. This isn’t a one-shot deal. The memory will come back. The anger might flare up. You may have to make that choice again and again. Keep nailing that debt to the cross until your heart gets the message.
• Let God Be the Judge. Verbally hand the person and the situation over to God. Release your need for justice and trust in His.

What’s the Biblical Take on Letting Go of Grudges?

Letting go is the long game. It’s what happens after you decide to forgive. A grudge is when you say the words but keep replaying the offense in your head, nursing the wound to keep it fresh. It’s a refusal to really cancel the debt. The Bible is crystal clear about how dangerous it is to let bitterness take root in our hearts.

Why is Holding a Grudge So Bad for Me Spiritually?

Hebrews 12:15 gives a stark warning: “See to it that no one fails to obtain the grace of God; that no ‘root of bitterness’ springs up and causes trouble, and by it many become defiled.” A grudge is that root of bitterness. It starts small, but if you let it grow, it will poison everything.

Bitterness defiles you. It strangles joy. It kills peace. It makes gratitude impossible. It warps how you see the world until you expect the worst from everyone. And most importantly, it wrecks your relationship with God. You can’t get close to a God of grace while refusing to give grace. Holding a grudge is like drinking poison and hoping the other person dies. It only hurts you.

Is “Letting Go” Just Stuffing My Anger Down?

Lots of people confuse suppressing their anger with forgiving. They just bury the hurt, slap on a smile, and try to act like everything is fine. But buried emotions don’t die; they fester. They pop up sideways as anxiety, depression, cynicism, or sudden explosions of rage over something small.

Letting go isn’t suppression. It’s an active release. It’s looking at the injustice, feeling the anger, and consciously choosing to hand it all over to God. Paul lays it out in Romans 12:19: “Beloved, never avenge yourselves, but leave it to the wrath of God, for it is written, ‘Vengeance is mine, I will repay, says the Lord.’” Letting go is trusting that God’s justice is better than yours. He saw everything. He knows the motives. He will handle it perfectly. When you let go, you finally free yourself from the impossible job of being judge, jury, and executioner. You let God be God.

But What If I’m the One Who Messed Up?

We’ve talked a lot about being the one who was wronged. But what about when we’re the one who caused the pain? The Bible has just as much to say about our responsibility then. The weight of needing to be forgiven can be just as heavy as the weight of needing to forgive. Guilt can eat you alive.

Years ago, I betrayed a friend. Not with money this time, but with my words. I was feeling insecure, and in a moment of pride, I shared something he’d told me in confidence. Word got back to him, of course. It damaged his reputation and our friendship. The guilt hit me like a tidal wave. I knew I hadn’t just wronged him; I’d sinned against God. I started avoiding him, but the shame was relentless. I felt like a hypocrite every time I tried to pray. Finally, I knew I had to face him. It was one of the most humiliating things I’ve ever done. I had to own my failure, with no excuses, and just ask for his mercy.

How Does the Bible Say to Ask for Forgiveness?

The path to seeking forgiveness is humbling, but it’s also incredibly freeing. The Bible gives us a clear roadmap.

• Confess to God First. Your sin is always against God, first and foremost. Go to Him before you go to the person. 1 John 1:9 is our promise: “If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just to forgive us our sins and to cleanse us from all unrighteousness.”
• Go to the Person. Humbly and directly. James 5:16 tells us to “confess your sins to one another.” Don’t make weak apologies like, “I’m sorry if you were hurt.” Own it. Say, “I was wrong when I gossiped about you. It was a sin. I am so sorry for the pain I caused. Will you forgive me?”
• Make It Right If You Can. Real repentance often requires action. Look at Zacchaeus, the tax collector who met Jesus and immediately offered to pay back everyone he had cheated four times over (Luke 19:8). If you stole, return it. If you broke it, fix it. If you lied, correct it. This shows your sorrow is sincere.
• Accept the Outcome. This is the hardest step. You have to release the outcome to God. They might forgive you on the spot. They might need time. They might refuse. Their response is between them and God. Your job is to do your part. My friend did forgive me. Our friendship was never exactly the same—a painful consequence I had to live with—but the poison was out, and we could begin to heal.

Can God’s Grace Really Cover This Mess?

Whether you’re struggling to forgive someone or you’re the one desperate for forgiveness, the answer is found in the same place: the overwhelming, all-sufficient grace of God. Our ability to do any of this doesn’t come from our own willpower or inner strength. It comes from what Jesus did on the cross.

Ephesians 4:32 connects the dots perfectly: “Be kind to one another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, as God in Christ forgave you.” Notice the order. It’s not “forgive so you can be forgiven.” It’s “forgive because you have already been forgiven.” Forgiving others is our natural response to understanding the insane amount of grace we’ve been shown.

The cross is the ultimate picture of forgiveness. As Jesus hung there in agony, taking on the sin of the world—your sin, my sin—he looked at the people who were killing him and said, “Father, forgive them, for they know not what they do” (Luke 23:34). That is our example. That is our source of power. When you think you can’t forgive, look at the cross. When you think you’re unforgivable, look at the cross. Modern research, like the work done by the Stanford Forgiveness Projects, confirms the huge psychological benefits of letting go of anger. But the Bible offers something far deeper: a transformed soul.

Forgiveness is hard. It’s gritty. It’s a process. It costs us our pride and our demand for justice. In a way, it’s the gospel in miniature. It’s choosing to absorb a debt you didn’t create, all for the sake of freedom. And in the end, the freedom you find is your own. Letting go isn’t just about releasing them from their debt to you; it’s about unlocking your own prison cell. It’s a long walk, but thankfully, it’s one you don’t have to take alone.

FAQ – What the Bible Says About Forgiveness and Letting Go